Ant Essence at Shanghai Sex Shop

We recently passed a shop in Shanghai, China that had a poster advertising ant essence. We went in to grab some and found the shop was actually an adult sex toy shop. There are lots of these all over Shanghai. They have fake viagra, exotic condoms, dildos, rubber boobies, blow-up dolls, and other plastic genitalia. Yeah, there's some really weird stuff in there. There's also tons of pills and herbals that purportedly give you impressive erections. It seems everyone wants to give me impressive erections these days -- I get tons of emails about this daily.



I picked up a box of ant essence pills. 58 RMB, but I bargained down to 50 RMB. I will eat them and tell you all about what happens next. (See below)

A few years ago I went to an adult sex toy expo here in Shanghai because I'm a pervert out of curiosity. Duh! Why else go? Anyway, I noticed that almost all of the sex enhancement products aimed at the Chinese domestic market were packaged with full-on American iconography. Blond-haired white couples hugging, wrapped in American flags, or the phallic-looking statue of liberty (don't they know it's a chick?). What would Freud say about the Chinese sex toy marketers and their preference for American imagery? *


Chinese condoms with hot American babes!



Vigorous Divinity Rapid Erection? or Tiger Powerful Five Penis Granule?


One of the pieces of schwag I obtained at the sexpo was from some penile enlargement company -- it was a chart of the world's penis sizes, by country. Korea came in last, and France came in first. The United States came in the middle. Scandinavia, China, and Africa were not included. Japan fared much higher than Korea. I suspect the "study" is a total farce, in fact, if you look at the small print, the data was obtained from random and unconnected non-scientific surveys.


Impotence wrapped in American flag?


Anyway, enough cock talk. Here's more info on edible ants, also known as Polyrachis or Polyrhachis. Interesting fact: "Ants can lift up to 400 times their own weight and pull up to 1700 times their own weight, making them the world champions in terms of strength. Ant contains 8-13 times the protein of milk, chicken, duck, beef, mutton and fish."

If you could only have that strength in bed!

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Update

OK I took a pill, an ant pill. I had it on a nearly empty stomach -- the directions don't say to take with food, just "take 15 minutes before sexual activity." It also says "CONCERN ON MALE. MAN EXPERT." -- whatever that means.

But anyway, about 15 minutes later I had this feeling that I'd been looking at my computer screen too long, the colors were starting to look strange. I went for a walk and everything looked purple-ish, like I was wearing some ultra-violet sunglasses. Really weird, kinda scary. My eyes were not bloodshot, but everything looked purple. So I went to have lunch at Da Marco (best pizza in Shanghai), and the purple vision continued through the meal. It gradually wore off about 3 hours after taking the pill.

During lunch, all the women in the restaurant looked amazing. At one point I was drooling on my pizza, and my date asked if I was ok. "Yes, I think so. Everything still looks purple, and I think I'm getting an erection." Let me just say, it was a good pick-up line.

* (Footnote -- things in China are a bit scary and xenophobic right now, take a look at this.

Ant Extract at Oxygen Bar

Mountain Ant Essence @ Oxygen Bar, San Francisco.

In the late 1990's we lived in the Mission District in San Francisco. This mostly Latino neighborhood (some claim it's the true birthplace of the burrito, as we know it) saw a period of gentrification and hipster-ism coinciding with the dot-com gold rush of the time. We had mixed feelings about this, but the diversity of people it drew, and the variety of shops and galleries and bars and restaurants with passion and integrity can't be denied. Several blocks of mid-range Spanish tapas, the best Thai in town at Suriya, a Senegalese restaurant, Italian delis, California pizza, lesbian cafes and bars, experimental film studios, French crepes, and the Slanted Door made Vietnamese food so exciting it hosted everyone from Bill Clinton to The Rolling Stones. Not to mention all the Latino options long familiar to the area -- from burritos to Guatemalan, Colombian, Cuban, Salvadorian, Peruvian, etc.

And then there was the Oxygen Bar.

The Oxygen Bar served air. You bellied up to the bar and bought your very own nostril tube (which you could keep and re-use on future visits), and selected a flavor you wanted your pure oxygen to be. We usually had our oxygen scented with lavender. You sit on a comfy couch and plug your tube into an oxygen tank, and breathe in the crisp and pure (supposedly) oxygen for 20 minutes.

There was also a menu of vegan desserts and non-alcoholic cocktails, and healthy herbal elixirs. Yeah, this was a real hippy/hipster hangout, with New Age pamphlets and Goa trance music. A bulletin board offered yoga classes and tarot card readings. But even vegans and non-alcoholics like to "feel good" in their own special way, so Oxygen Bar had a selection of "smart drinks" and elixirs purporting to give you a natural high. The most exotic, and expensive, of these was something non-vegan, actually. Based on traditional Chinese medicine, they served shots of "mountain ant essence." When the party was pumping in the place and things got a little crazy, the bar-tender would occasionally give out free tincture drops right on your tongue. Just like those tourist Mexican bars that have a 10 minute "free tequila pour" and some sexy chick stands on the bar and pours straight from the bottle into your mouth. Except this was tincture drops of mountain ant essence.

What is ant essence? They get these big "Chiangbai" mountain ants and turn them into a concentrated liquid syrup. You drink it and it's supposed to give you stamina and energy and super sexual powers. Some of the nodding hippies at Oxygen Bar would insist it made them feel like they were on ecstasy pills. Wow.

We tried the ant extract a few times. While we can't say the health claims are nonsense -- most herbal remedies don't obviously give you an instant rush like chemical substances -- we felt more pep from the Coca-Cola we got at the corner store.

The same goes for the oxygen -- we didn't feel any different after inhaling the special, $20 air -- but maybe the subtle, cumulative, and long-term benefits make it worth it. (San Francisco's air is actually quite nice for an urban environment -- we could really use an oxygen bar in Shanghai!)

By the way, do they really pump oxygen into Vegas casinos to make people more alert and stay gambling longer?

If you're in California, you can even rent an "oxygen party bar."

The Oxygen Bar at 795 Valencia in San Francisco appears to have closed and is now a wine bar.

Dr. Ho

Travels in Yunnan, SouthWest China.

A few miles north of Lijiang there's a charming little village called Baisha.



We entered as most tourists do, into a temple ground that lies at the front. There's not much to say about temples without getting all academic on yah, but this was worth a look for the tranquility it offered after spending a few days in the bustling alleys of Lijiang. Plus there's Naxi murals here, which are different from the usual Buddhist or Taoist ones we see all over China. Lots of animals. As you exit the back of the temple, there's an alley or two full of street vendors, mostly with tourists trinkets.



Push past the hustle to the next street that has a few homes-cum-cafes. You can't miss Dr. Ho's place, with the sign THE MOST ADMIRED MAN.



Dr. Ho, dressed in a white doctor coat and sporting a straggly white beard, came out to great us. Barely introducing himself, he launched right into a lecture about how he was THE MOST ADMIRED MAN, and proceeded to show us an endless stack of media clippings, letters, and official documents that proved his legendary status. He wouldn't stop. His wife brought us some "healthy tea" and I used this break in the action to ask "so, Dr. Ho, what are you so famous for?" He said "yes" and showed us more media -- articles in the New York Times, request letters from the BBC asking for permission to film -- and stacks of personal letters -- "see! this one from Washington DC! This one from Nigeria Africa!" Again we pleaded to get to the reason why he was so legendary. Clearly he wasn't done, and started chatting up how he was big on google, and if we search for "THE MOST ADMIRED MAN" we could find him on "goo-gu-lah" (We've just searched and it seems he's been bumped by George W Bush, which inspired us to pull out the dictionary and double check the meaning of the word "admired"...)



Finally I sort of just walked into the other room and found about 50 large bags full of herbal powders. I told Dr. Ho about how I was worried about my liver from drinking too much and what could he concoct for that. He thumbed through his stacks of hand-written notes. Mom suggested we get him organized with a notebook and filing cabinet, but that would kill the fun. Moms are like that. So Dr. Ho started running around like a mad scientist, scooping spoonfuls of herb powders into a bag, about 30 of them. He told me it was free but I could leave a donation if I could afford to.

Next we asked what would be good for asthma, and Dr. Ho got a little smile on his face and led us to his backyard garden, and pointed to a large marijuana plant. "Really? You smoke that for asthma relief?" No, of course not, you drink it as a tea. We'd like to, but we all agreed it would be unwise to bring it on the plane. Planes are like that.

We gave THE MOST ADMIRED MAN some cash, and took our leave. We were hungry after watching the energetic Dr. Ho run around and do his routine, so we walked around the village a bit and found a pig on a spit ready for lunch. We also enjoyed some pumpkin-corn cake and a "Baisha sandwich" which was like a pita stuff with vegetables and goat cheese.



We took a little walk off the main street, where the lane turns into a path into the gardens behind the homes, and the gardens turn into small fields, until we came to a clearing past the trees -- a large field with a postcard perfect view of YuLong Shan. With a setting like this and a view like that, and guys like Dr. Ho, you can understand where the legend of Shangri-La comes from.



And later we went to the top of that mountain ... you need oxygen tanks when you're up there or you get light-headed.

Lizard Soup

One of my favorite areas in Hong Kong is the herbal medicine shop streets around Sheung Wan. For reasons I won't get into here, these shops carry an amazing variety of real deal Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), that you almost cannot find in mainland China anymore. In Shanghai pharmacies, for example, they look at you like you're nuts if you ask for herbals instead of pills. They think they're being "modern", we guess. In Hong Kong they still have the good stuff, or as the proverbial tourist might say, the weird stuff. Dried sea creatures, mystery animal parts, deer antlers, tiger penis, wine with whole king cobras, and stacks and heaps of herbs and twigs and tree bark. This is where I always stock up on Kam Wo Cha, the boxed herbal tea -- the best cold cure I've ever found.



It's not just the large selection that makes this TCM shopping district special -- it's the quality, the sights, the scent, the classic atmosphere, and the openly friendly service.

We'll have to devote several upcoming posts to Traditional Chinese Medicine weirdness, but we decided to start with these cute Ta!wan tree lizards we found...



The lady at the TCM shop explained that the lizards are best in a soup, and set out collecting all the bits and pieces to make the soup with. The soup ingredients (herbs) are yam, chinese dates, ginseng, medlar, and something called tragacanth. About 10 grams of each. I'm American, so I don't know what grams are. You cook these herbs with some pork bones and the lizards. The TCM shopkeeper told me I could eat the lizards (snap off the head and limbs and toss them out) and that the tails are the best, as in beneficial, parts to eat. They're reported to be good for asthma, colds, lungs and heart.



The lizards at the market were dried and tied to wooden sticks, two a piece. One is a male, the other female. The pharmacist told us they were all lizard couples, and that we're supposed to consume both genders together in the soup. We felt better knowing these married lizards perished together -- is this practised anywhere else, with other animals-for-consumption?

Anyway, the lizards sort of dissolved into the soup -- maybe we cooked it too long? -- but we did get a few little bites of bona fide lizard meat, and they were kinda tartly fishy tasting, and very boney.



Yes, that's a lizard coming out of my mouth.

Winter Worm, Summer Plant

Several of my dear Chinese friends tried to convince me, but I refused to accept it. "It begins its life as a plant, and then becomes an animal," they said. Or the other way around -- animal first, then plant. I'm no biologist but I'm pretty sure that's not possible.

"It's a virus? Bacteria? Fungus?" I said.

"No, it's a worm," they said. While others said, "No, it's a grass plant. [pause] But an animal too!"

Obviously we had to get to the bottom of this nonsense. We found the scientific name for the mystery worm, and here it is: Cordyceps Sinensis. It has a few colloquial names also, like Chinese caterpillar fungus, cordyceps mushroom, or spring grass, winter worm.

But here's what you need to know. It's really a parasitic fungus.

And it's good for you, that's why some people eat it.

Cordyceps Sinensis is a plant that has been used in traditional Chinese medicine to restore energy, promote longevity, stimulate the immune system, and to improve quality of life. Ancient records claim that it is beneficial for the heart, circulatory system, liver, kidneys, respiratory system, and sex organs.
- Health Touch Online

There they go, calling it a "plant" again.

Anyway, apparantly there's this worm, or caterpillar moth larve thing, that crawls into the Tibetan ground and gets attacked by a parasitic fungus, and thus consumes the "animal" and turns it into a "plant." I'm still confused. What is a fungus? And why does what I ate look like a caterpillar anyway?



There were about 20 of them, tied together with a string, sitting in my soup. They tasted like ginseng, you know, that mouldy tree bark taste. They were cooked in a nice, restorative broth with pork chops and carrots. We found them at a medicine shop and they cost something ridiculous like 60 USD for the little bunch you see in the pic.

They're expensive because they're obscure and difficult to obtain. Read about that.

Incidently, why does nearly every Chinese traditional medicine claim to aid sexual organs and ability? I guess the ancient pharmacists figured out that sex sells. No wonder there's over a billion Chinese people.

Look, here's a whole pile of 'em.



Pile of worm fungus, that is.

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Sea Horse Soup

My assistant Coco was chatting up WeirdMeat to a Guangdong-ese friend of hers and they suggested we go to a traditional Chinese medicine shop and get some dried seahorses.



I've always thought sea horses were cute little bizarre animals. I learned that it's actually the male sea horse that gets pregnant and carries the babies, from watching indie rock band Yo La Tengo play a live performance set to the films of Jean Painleve -- an underwater cinematographer from the 1930s or something. Real stoney stuff.

Anyway, the Cantonese make a medicinal soup with dried seahorse. Good for the facial skin and a restorative detox/cleanser. I happen to be blessed with perfect facial skin, but I could always use a little detoxing. So we found 4 seahorses -- 2 pregnant males, and 2 females (virgins?) -- and put them in a soup with carrots, ginger, and some pork stock.



The broth had a salty and pleasantly pungent oceanic flavor. The seahorses were just thrown in dry and lent their flavor and magical medicinals to the mix. And they still looked cute.

Have you ever looked at a seahorse? They have a boxey body shape, the profile of a horse's face skeleton, and a tail that curls inward towards the belly and head. They also have these perfectly symmetrical little bone spikes sticking out (like the Hellrasiser guy) that make them very difficult to eat. That's when I asked the question -- are we actually suppose to eat these? How? A few desperate calls to the medicine shop and some random Guangdong-ese comrads didn't help -- no answer. But we could taste the things from the soup broth. I did manage to extract small bits of meat from the softer part of the tails, and from the pregnant bellies of the males, and found it reminded me of dried scallops, but more salty and less complex.



There's all kinds of weird stuff I want to try in traditional Chinese medicine (TCM). One that really intrigues me is this little worm thing that every Chinese person I've talked to tells me, begins life as a plant, and then turns into an animal species. Or vice versa. That's impossible, I tell them. Something lost in translation perhaps?

Why is everything in TCM good for male virility? Is there anything in TCM that isn't? What do I take if I've got too much male virility? I suppose if male humans got pregnent like the male seahorse, we'd be a bit less horny, you think?