Asexual Animals

For Thanksgiving.

My mother has always been a superb cook. She was a health food fanatic when I was a kid, so I grew up eating excellent homemade 100% whole grain bread, honey instead of sugar, whole milk, and regrettably, carob cakes instead of chocolate. (I've since converted her to a complete chocolate snob, like myself, more on that in a later post. Let me just say, if it's less than 70%, it's for children or fools.)

But as the years passed and us kids left to pretend we're adults, me mum's gotten a bit lazy with the cooking. Last Thanksgiving I found she was roasting one of those freakishly weird supermarket turkeys. The kind that are 100% white meat, round like basketballs, have a cartoonish trademarked brand name, and were grown in some lab without feathers or souls. What do they call them, butter balls? The horror!



OK, maybe we haven't gotten that far yet (have we?) but I've heard that these turkeys are bred without procreation. They're test tube, asexual and artificially fed. I don't know about you, but the thought of eating an asexual animal really turns me off. These poor turkeys only purpose in life is to be bred for our annual feast of gluttony, shouldn't they be allowed some hanky-panky before the guillotine?

I'll simply decline these soul-less, celibate, zombie turkeys, in favor of free range wild and sexually active turkeys. Someone needs to stand up for the sexual freedom of animals!

Check out this New York Times bit on hunting wild turkey in California wine country.

June 2007 update: Isn't that nice, a rock band from the UK called Biffy Clyro wrote a song called "Asexual Meat Kitchen"... we're certain they were inspired by this WeirdMeat post.